I fell in love.
I’m trying to construct this in a way that does not sound so overzealous and self-indulgent. Someone, as if out of nowhere, has come into my life and has ripped my heart out completely in order to claim it. I have become synonymous with every single love quote that I’ve come across in the past. I have become synonymous with every form of cheese. I am a hypocrite in the sense that, whereas I used to criticise and belittle the habits of other couples, I have become synonymous with these habits. My emotions have never felt so raw. I have never felt so vulnerable. It is everything that others say it is. It is blissful. It truly is. I have never felt so at peace with myself.
This person, who I have come to know as my everything, understands every component, every fibre of my being. Time seems to sit at a slow and easy going pace whenever this person is around. It is surreal, it is celestial, it is the stuff of classic films. I am so deeply fascinated with all of this person. The layers that comprises of this person. The layers that have such a distinct history and such a diverse texture to it. This person is my personal definition of sustainability. What it actually means to finally be stable.
Whereas before, I was a boy who was in love with the depth of pain and the beauty of loneliness, I am now with someone who makes me feel like I never want to be alone again. Someone who has seen every shade of me and instead of casting me out like a stranger, has accepted each and every piece of the puzzle. I am puzzled. I am perplexed. How could someone, how could anyone have such raw feelings for me?
In the most simplest form, I fell in love and life as I know it, will never be the same again. I am no longer in perpetual solitude but rather, I am now one half of a complexed form of art work that despite its complications and obstacles, is still beautiful nevertheless.
I would like to call myself an honest person. Someone who doesn’t lie at all and who upholds the truth as a strict law to abide by. Unfortunately, this itself is far from the truth.
I lie. Actually, I lie a lot.
I don’t even lie over complexed issues anymore. I lie even about the simplest of things. Why? Because it has become habitual to lie. I no longer lie because I have to or to save my face, I lie because I am so used to lying that it feels like I am telling the truth. The worst of it all is that I’ve actually started to believe in my lies as if they were biblical truths.
There was a time when I would lie and make it seem as fake as possible on purpose in order to give the illusion that I am bad in telling lies, so that when I do lie and it seems convincing, no one would doubt it. I have come to see that it is compulsive and it just happens.
This is an issue I will have to work out on my own. I have to extra precaution before I open my mouth as the last thing I would want to do is to speak of things that are fictional as though it is non-fictional.
I seem to like building my own version of reality where my mouth spits out garbage decorated as facts. Here’s to eradication of this problem.
I took these two self-portraits to express my ideas in this writing space.
Contentment is the one thing that everyone should have in an idealistic world. Our natural need to always crave more even though we’ve been given substantial supply is always there. Enough is never enough. Second guessing and over analyzing are both habits that we are all accustomed to. I could never learn to be happy without telling myself to calm down and to be contented with things the way they are. You could never be happy if you don’t live an honest life. You can become so enraged with hatred that you push away those who cared for you the most even if it was supposedly unconditional. Everyone has their limits. I’ve experienced losing those I care about mostly due to faults that are my own. I went through a painful process last year. One that I have yet to fully recover from. I was ridiculed, I was humiliated. Those who I had once loved so much had turned against me mostly due to my own perceptions. I was disfigured mentally. I was broken. Eventually, throughout the end of last year, I was coming to terms with myself. To embrace my faults, my flaws, my sense of graceless actions. I needed to forgive myself and seek forgiveness which I am not ready for yet. I’m still learning and this will continue on forever. How not to totally screw up everything you love because of your own selfish needs? It’s easy but most of us especially me fail to see it. It’s contentment. Having a clear mind, a clear heart and a clear sense of thinking, it’s total tranquility. I screwed up before, I’m trying hard not to repeat history. People still throw the word ‘hate’ on me easily without hesitation. I can’t say much. It was suffocating and it probably always will feel this way. I’m happier now. I’m happier that I’ve grounded myself. I’m happier now that my sense of self worth and growing contentment is shaping my life in a better way even in this new environment I’m in. I’m getting good grades, friends are always around, my family has been amazingly supportive of me. I’m not there yet but I’m becoming more and more happy. 🙂
Fear. We all fear. There are those who fear about things and those who lie and say they don’t. I’m constantly afraid. I’m afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone most of the time. I’m afraid of pursuing my dreams because of how others would perceive me. I’m afraid of even continually posting on this blog because of what others would think. I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of losing everything I care for. Someone I care about told me how we must always think of the opinions of others. How it should regulate our sense of action, our sense of movement. I agreed and took it all in. I really feared what others may think the most. It’s considered token advice for you not to care much about what others think about you. For all those others who say that you must always of how others perceive you, don’t believe them. Success is not defined by your outer appearance, by your fame from others. Success is defined by you. You have your own standard of success and keep up to it. Don’t conform to others if it doesn’t fit your system and if they complain, well, it’s their problem. Be proud of whatever you’ve done that required determinate, resilience and effort. Effort is gold. I fear even posting this because all this is so personal to me. I shall learn to embrace fear, to step out into the unknown. To go where I never thought I would go. I want find what my limits are and break them like glass. Fear implores you to find alternative ways, to find solutions. Like how the neanderthals discovered solutions and progress through fear of death, we utilize fear to become better version of ourselves following our own person doctrines. Fear is an old friend, a good ghost, a soldier in our battle.