I took these two self-portraits to express my ideas in this writing space.
Contentment is the one thing that everyone should have in an idealistic world. Our natural need to always crave more even though we’ve been given substantial supply is always there. Enough is never enough. Second guessing and over analyzing are both habits that we are all accustomed to. I could never learn to be happy without telling myself to calm down and to be contented with things the way they are. You could never be happy if you don’t live an honest life. You can become so enraged with hatred that you push away those who cared for you the most even if it was supposedly unconditional. Everyone has their limits. I’ve experienced losing those I care about mostly due to faults that are my own. I went through a painful process last year. One that I have yet to fully recover from. I was ridiculed, I was humiliated. Those who I had once loved so much had turned against me mostly due to my own perceptions. I was disfigured mentally. I was broken. Eventually, throughout the end of last year, I was coming to terms with myself. To embrace my faults, my flaws, my sense of graceless actions. I needed to forgive myself and seek forgiveness which I am not ready for yet. I’m still learning and this will continue on forever. How not to totally screw up everything you love because of your own selfish needs? It’s easy but most of us especially me fail to see it. It’s contentment. Having a clear mind, a clear heart and a clear sense of thinking, it’s total tranquility. I screwed up before, I’m trying hard not to repeat history. People still throw the word ‘hate’ on me easily without hesitation. I can’t say much. It was suffocating and it probably always will feel this way. I’m happier now. I’m happier that I’ve grounded myself. I’m happier now that my sense of self worth and growing contentment is shaping my life in a better way even in this new environment I’m in. I’m getting good grades, friends are always around, my family has been amazingly supportive of me. I’m not there yet but I’m becoming more and more happy. 🙂
Fear. We all fear. There are those who fear about things and those who lie and say they don’t. I’m constantly afraid. I’m afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone most of the time. I’m afraid of pursuing my dreams because of how others would perceive me. I’m afraid of even continually posting on this blog because of what others would think. I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of losing everything I care for. Someone I care about told me how we must always think of the opinions of others. How it should regulate our sense of action, our sense of movement. I agreed and took it all in. I really feared what others may think the most. It’s considered token advice for you not to care much about what others think about you. For all those others who say that you must always of how others perceive you, don’t believe them. Success is not defined by your outer appearance, by your fame from others. Success is defined by you. You have your own standard of success and keep up to it. Don’t conform to others if it doesn’t fit your system and if they complain, well, it’s their problem. Be proud of whatever you’ve done that required determinate, resilience and effort. Effort is gold. I fear even posting this because all this is so personal to me. I shall learn to embrace fear, to step out into the unknown. To go where I never thought I would go. I want find what my limits are and break them like glass. Fear implores you to find alternative ways, to find solutions. Like how the neanderthals discovered solutions and progress through fear of death, we utilize fear to become better version of ourselves following our own person doctrines. Fear is an old friend, a good ghost, a soldier in our battle.