I fell in love.
I’m trying to construct this in a way that does not sound so overzealous and self-indulgent. Someone, as if out of nowhere, has come into my life and has ripped my heart out completely in order to claim it. I have become synonymous with every single love quote that I’ve come across in the past. I have become synonymous with every form of cheese. I am a hypocrite in the sense that, whereas I used to criticise and belittle the habits of other couples, I have become synonymous with these habits. My emotions have never felt so raw. I have never felt so vulnerable. It is everything that others say it is. It is blissful. It truly is. I have never felt so at peace with myself.
This person, who I have come to know as my everything, understands every component, every fibre of my being. Time seems to sit at a slow and easy going pace whenever this person is around. It is surreal, it is celestial, it is the stuff of classic films. I am so deeply fascinated with all of this person. The layers that comprises of this person. The layers that have such a distinct history and such a diverse texture to it. This person is my personal definition of sustainability. What it actually means to finally be stable.
Whereas before, I was a boy who was in love with the depth of pain and the beauty of loneliness, I am now with someone who makes me feel like I never want to be alone again. Someone who has seen every shade of me and instead of casting me out like a stranger, has accepted each and every piece of the puzzle. I am puzzled. I am perplexed. How could someone, how could anyone have such raw feelings for me?
In the most simplest form, I fell in love and life as I know it, will never be the same again. I am no longer in perpetual solitude but rather, I am now one half of a complexed form of art work that despite its complications and obstacles, is still beautiful nevertheless.
I would like to call myself an honest person. Someone who doesn’t lie at all and who upholds the truth as a strict law to abide by. Unfortunately, this itself is far from the truth.
I lie. Actually, I lie a lot.
I don’t even lie over complexed issues anymore. I lie even about the simplest of things. Why? Because it has become habitual to lie. I no longer lie because I have to or to save my face, I lie because I am so used to lying that it feels like I am telling the truth. The worst of it all is that I’ve actually started to believe in my lies as if they were biblical truths.
There was a time when I would lie and make it seem as fake as possible on purpose in order to give the illusion that I am bad in telling lies, so that when I do lie and it seems convincing, no one would doubt it. I have come to see that it is compulsive and it just happens.
This is an issue I will have to work out on my own. I have to extra precaution before I open my mouth as the last thing I would want to do is to speak of things that are fictional as though it is non-fictional.
I seem to like building my own version of reality where my mouth spits out garbage decorated as facts. Here’s to eradication of this problem.
I took these two self-portraits to express my ideas in this writing space.
Contentment is the one thing that everyone should have in an idealistic world. Our natural need to always crave more even though we’ve been given substantial supply is always there. Enough is never enough. Second guessing and over analyzing are both habits that we are all accustomed to. I could never learn to be happy without telling myself to calm down and to be contented with things the way they are. You could never be happy if you don’t live an honest life. You can become so enraged with hatred that you push away those who cared for you the most even if it was supposedly unconditional. Everyone has their limits. I’ve experienced losing those I care about mostly due to faults that are my own. I went through a painful process last year. One that I have yet to fully recover from. I was ridiculed, I was humiliated. Those who I had once loved so much had turned against me mostly due to my own perceptions. I was disfigured mentally. I was broken. Eventually, throughout the end of last year, I was coming to terms with myself. To embrace my faults, my flaws, my sense of graceless actions. I needed to forgive myself and seek forgiveness which I am not ready for yet. I’m still learning and this will continue on forever. How not to totally screw up everything you love because of your own selfish needs? It’s easy but most of us especially me fail to see it. It’s contentment. Having a clear mind, a clear heart and a clear sense of thinking, it’s total tranquility. I screwed up before, I’m trying hard not to repeat history. People still throw the word ‘hate’ on me easily without hesitation. I can’t say much. It was suffocating and it probably always will feel this way. I’m happier now. I’m happier that I’ve grounded myself. I’m happier now that my sense of self worth and growing contentment is shaping my life in a better way even in this new environment I’m in. I’m getting good grades, friends are always around, my family has been amazingly supportive of me. I’m not there yet but I’m becoming more and more happy. 🙂
Fear. We all fear. There are those who fear about things and those who lie and say they don’t. I’m constantly afraid. I’m afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone most of the time. I’m afraid of pursuing my dreams because of how others would perceive me. I’m afraid of even continually posting on this blog because of what others would think. I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of losing everything I care for. Someone I care about told me how we must always think of the opinions of others. How it should regulate our sense of action, our sense of movement. I agreed and took it all in. I really feared what others may think the most. It’s considered token advice for you not to care much about what others think about you. For all those others who say that you must always of how others perceive you, don’t believe them. Success is not defined by your outer appearance, by your fame from others. Success is defined by you. You have your own standard of success and keep up to it. Don’t conform to others if it doesn’t fit your system and if they complain, well, it’s their problem. Be proud of whatever you’ve done that required determinate, resilience and effort. Effort is gold. I fear even posting this because all this is so personal to me. I shall learn to embrace fear, to step out into the unknown. To go where I never thought I would go. I want find what my limits are and break them like glass. Fear implores you to find alternative ways, to find solutions. Like how the neanderthals discovered solutions and progress through fear of death, we utilize fear to become better version of ourselves following our own person doctrines. Fear is an old friend, a good ghost, a soldier in our battle.
When ever I have diarrhea, I get deathly afraid of farts because each fart may be a catastrophic potential grenade.
Disgustingly philosophical my dear blog
Note: This is a mighty long pretty pointless rant but I will not apologize because I can do whatever I want because this is my blog yo.
That is what my studying cum assignment setup looks like. Pretty messy.
Writer’s block. I bloody hate writer’s block and this happens to me all the time. This applies specifically to essay writing. When I’m in my smooth writing mojo and I feel as though I am spurning God-like vocabulary, flawlessly coherent grammar and cohesively dependable yet original thought provoking ideas, suddenly there comes a point where the tick on my mind gets stuck. I then find myself lost in my words and my brain just refuses to churn any sort of reliable mental data that is needed to write things that are worthy of being a contribution to my grades. I hate it so much. This happens when in the most unexpected of times and it makes me so lazy.
Over-thinking. I really hate half-assed attempts. I friggin’ hate half-assed attempts. I’ve always believed in giving your all when you invest time in doing assignments. This leads to over thinking because I constantly find myself worried about whether or not the content I produced is good enough. Haih. I’m having this right now. I can barely get through a paragraph because I’m constantly trying to make everything seem perfect. I am a very egocentric and to me, everything written needs to be perfectly coordinated. I think to the much to the point that I can’t get much words out.
When you CAN procrastinate, you WILL procrastinate. Okay this applies to all sorts of assignments, not just essay-based ones BUT don’t you think that it’s way more geared towards essays? Think about it this way, essays are a written work with typing. You can always take a simple break and come back then take another break then come back as long as you eventually meet the required word count before the dead line. And also, enough time before the dead line for you to proof read. Typing, stop, typing, stop. The option of procrastination is so blatantly open that it would be near impossible to resist. Especially if you’re like me and you always tell yourself that you’ll complete it early and you try to do it a week or two in advance but slack because of the abundance of time. Then, you end up doing it just two days before. WELL THAT IS WHAT’S HAPPENING NOW FOLKS. I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE BUT WHAT AM I DOING? THIS BLOG.
Word Limitations. This is the worst invention since God created Satan. Why must I always have to limit my words to a certain word count? I am a free flow writer and I like my words to just come out organically, not to be dragged and constantly worried over whether or not I didn’t pass the word limitation. I’D RATHER WRITE MORE THAN 10,000 WORDS THAN LESS THAN 800. When my words are limited, I feel as though my freedom as a writer is limited. And this makes me care less about the assignment which in turn makes me procrastinate which in turn makes me get a mark that is lower than usual.
Conclusion. It is only fitting that my last point to this post is about conclusion. CONCLUSION IN GODDAMN ESSAY DAMN IT. I hate conclusion. How do you expect me to summarize all this crap that I have strategically placed together in hopes of perfection?!?!?! It took miracles for me to come up with so much intellectual valleys of crap that you expect me to summarize by baby in short form? NO WAY. In conclusion or in a nutshell both seem so dated but it’s what everyone uses and it works so what the hell.
The daily conundrum of fixing my hair to a personal satisfactory level. I consider it an art form because I always give my 110% into it! I make sure that it is always up to my personal standard and I hate going out with hair that I did not do myself! I love the spiky messy look when it comes to my hair because I think my face (which my Spanish teacher calls round) fits it.
It’s been almost a good year since I entered college. From it, I’ve deduced that college life is exactly what it’s been cranked up to be. Last minute assignments, late night studying, a bit of partying and all around stress from trying to accumulate a reasonably high GPA. The most crummy part of being a transfer student who is destined to transfer to an American university in the foreseeable future is the issue of finances. Money money money.
I’ve learned that money is not the root of all evil despite what my Catholic class teacher would used to drill into my head. The fear of the lack of money is the true root of evil. Every time the thought of treating a friend or buying something pops up in my head, another thought that would spring up to stop this would be the thought of being broke. I’ve been in many instances where I had to go through a week with twenty ringgit or so. You can’t blame anyone but yourself for being so broke. You can’t blame your parents as they provide you with endless opportunities to discover yourself. You can’t blame the products that have supposedly filled your mind with desire. No. It is just you, you and you.
These days, I’ve resulted to shopping less. Buying only essentials such as food and toiletries. I’ve taken up a part time job at college to try to make extra income. It sucks that there is so little that I can do since I’m preoccupied as a college student which always has to be my first and foremost priority. A college student that is somewhat of a financial burden to my parents. I wish I could fast forward a few years into entry-level employment where I can rely on myself to provide the cash and not my parents. All this financial issues has made me very jaded, selfish and stingy to the point that I am a second guess every purchase. Even a friggin’ one ringgit slice of bread.
In moments of total frustration, I would always calm down and remind myself of all those people who are doing much worse because of circumstance. I try hard to be grateful and appreciative. I’ve seen the movie about The Secret, I’ve read books on gratitude and the law of attraction, I’ve googled ways of being more appreciative and to attract desires on a weekly basis. You know those type of people who spend endless amounts of time trying to find solutions to problems without living in the now and just simply enforcing action despite constantly ranting? Well that’s me. It is a bad habit, I know it is.
A note to myself:
Be grateful man. There are people with way more problematic lives with way less complaining. Stop being a bitch to yourself and the Universe. You will do great, you will go on to do great things. Now stand up and do something!
I am Joshua. I am 19 years old. I’ve decided that ranting is no longer something that I want to force on towards my loved ones as any problem I have is mine and mine alone so I shall rant on this blog instead.